Sausage

WARNING ... if any of my kids are watching ya may want to look away ... WARNING

WARNING .. some shit you really dont want to think about in context to yer mother .. WARNING

( my son insists i now add warnings ;-) i think the vibrator in the draw blog shocked him)

when i was visiting with my boys

they took me to a specialty store

with lots and lots of all the U.K goodies i really miss

of course the prices were bloody extortionate

so i thought sod it ...

why arent i making my own.

sausages cant be that damned difficult after all

can they?

and pork pies ..... hmmmm droooool

and so upon return to texas i set out to find

sausage casing

(yes i am aware what its made of but id rather not think about that, casing sounds so much nicer)

it didnt take too long to realize that asking around the shops for sausage skins, whilst apparently humorous to some of the store owner's, was possibly not the best way to find them

so i decided it was entirely less embarrassing to just order them online

now my latest victim gets nervous about me experimenting

(with food)

 i think the storys about what i used to add to hubbys food might be the reason for this 

so i told him that yea sure id made sausages before...

"but it's been ages since i had stuffed a sausage"

unfortunately i chose to tell him this in the middle of a rather packed store.. much to the amusement of the other customers

so after escaping the giggles and stares of the other shoppers

we picked up the ingredients

SO

the casing arrives a few days later

now its bad enough thinking about what this stuff really is...

but...

when you tip it out of the packet it looks like a giant fucking tapeworm pile ... ewwwwwww

and its all salt encrusted which really doesnt add to its appeal

apparently you have to soak this stuff for half an hour... this should make it at least look better huh

no way

now it just looks like an undulating living worm

and when you touch it ....

it feels like a used condom

ewwwwwww

next part of this rather disgusting process

the stuffing

not having a sausage stuffing machine device implement

(stop giggling)

i rummaged around the house fer an appropriate substitute whilst the casing (yes dammit casing i refuse to acknowledge what it is)  is soaking

a handy bottle of the right diameter

(about 1 and a half inches)

was conscripted and adapted

(ends lopped off unceremoniously)

there now we have a stuffing sleeve/tube/shaft of about 4 inches long

(damnit im not going to tell you again stop giggling)

now to get the casing on to it

O.M.G

so there i am in the kitchen sliding this 10 ft used condom appearing casing onto the sleeve/shaft/tube... using a hand motion that could of been described as erotic had it not been for the 10 ft of used condom that was involved

well thats the worst it could get right?

hell no

10 ft of used condom looking casing threaded on to a 4 ft sleeve/shaft/tube

has the appearance of a certain part of the anatomy from my last hubby were i to kick him out into the snow naked in the middle of winter.

the limp tied off end really does nothing to the whole image 

swallowing down my disgust i grasp the shaft firmly

(stop it)

and grab a hand full of stuffing mix with my free hand

i start ramming it (the stuffing) into the tube, it begins to extrude

now its starting to look like all that hand action gave it a hard on

 this is at least an improvement on the used condom look

after about 6 inches of sausage had emerged

(do i have to send you out of the room)

as i twisted the loose skin/casing

sharply and tightly, i couldnt help but smirk ... it was even more satisfying when i snipped the sausage off from the rest of the skin with a nice pair of sharp sterile scissors

yay my first sausage

i shaped it (resisting the urge to mould a head onto it)

and then pricked it

(stop sniggering)

and set it aside

several sausages later i had the makings of a meal ;-)

mashed potatoes, bbq beans, lashings of onion gravy

trying desperately to not think on

A what the skin was

and

B the entire damned process of production

it was, in all, a very satisfying feast

it was rather unfortunate timing however when my latest victim decided to get frisky and romantic after the meal

there i was stroking his pride and joy ready for some foreplay 

when... 

i couldnt help but compare it to a sausage in size and shape

although he did, i admit, compare favourable both in size and girth

pushing the days exploits in the kitchen from my mind i attempted to focused on the task at hand

unfortunately

as i grasped him firm in my palm and started to gently, seductively slide my fingers along his shaft

i kept getting flash images of threading the 10 ft used condom onto the shaft....

whilst he was making little moaning sounds of appreciation

i was trying desperately to stifling alternating giggles and thoughts of ewwww

(of the process of sausage stuffing not at his appendage i hasten to add)

well that was my day how was yours?

sausages any one???

computers and bossy folk

so

a while back.........

my fella and i both knew we needed a new computer,

(well actually we need more than one...)

mainly because the old one is ... well bloody old .. and its on off switch is a cotton bud (un-used of course...)

not to mention the fact that half of its keys have fallen off, (and fallen some where behind the dash board of the truck) and i seriously cant be bothered fixing it any way right now any way.

 as far as programing goes it has so many conflicts going on that im pretty sure its now suffering from either split personalities, or post traumatic stress disorder (depending on which phase its in) its battery long ago decided sod this for a game of soldiers im going on strike.

(all though to be fair its still in better nick than the prior computer where i was reduced to cutting up a baked bean can to reinvent the pin and housing for the power supply, amazing what you can do with a pair of scissors some old wire and a can.. and i didnt even need any stick backed plastic... of course its duct tape hinges were far neater than the pin and added an instant classic touch)

am i trained in this shit ??? errr no lol does it show? ;-)

to be fair i dont usually use such odd repair practices as cotton buds and baked beans cans but when your in a pinch you work with what you have... usually ill use the proper parts when i can get hold of them ..

of course being that im self taught this means i connect the thingamajig to the whatsit and then solder onto the thingamabob... using this method iv built two computers from the ground up... and Frankensteined another couple... not to mention repairs on other

now what to get what to get .... one that has a certain durability obviously ....

one can be a low grade backup just email and simple surf kinda thing pretty much any basic run of the mill kinda thing will do ... except i hate the way HP is put together because its bloody inconvenient for me to spit and bail wire it if i have too... and i tend to be able to find less interchangeable spare parts when needed

the other though

needs to be able to handle three d wire world sculpting environments and breeze through blender and daz

i work a lot of graphics and im sick of computers going into shock when im juggling between several high end graphics programs.. basic cheap run of the mill wont do ... im thinking either a decent standard gaming computer or just bloody build one to spec.

at this point were not certain which were getting but leaning towards the most expensive one first

(ok the cheap basic one won first)

now ... on to bossy people

... so my fella mentions to some particularly controlling folk we know were thinking of buying a computer ... and hes immediately told by a guy that hasnt even mastered spell check or instant messaging what computer he absolutely has to buy ...

and the guy (lets call him Mr A)gets quite stroppy about it too lol  .. despite me pointing out the fact that in order to recommend a computer to some one you do actually need to know what they are going to be using said computer for... and seeing as Mr A hadnt even bothered inquiring about that... how the hell could he get stroppy if we didnt agree with his choice... ohh but apparently some site said that this particular type was the best to get .... ohh k ... try pointing out to this type of person .. (one) you dont know whos hands are in whos pockets with sites... and (two) the site is working on the assumption that the operator is only going to be surfing and emailing... and (three) they are also operating on the assumption that your never going to fix or upgrade the damned thing yourself...   and (four) unless its a high end gaming or graphics site i really dont give a flying fuck what they recommend.

the result in this case was a rather sad attempt at sarcasm in the form of an email from Mr A's allie Miss B and how in her informed opinion Mr A was actually correct and she should know because shes hooked up a network...

 ... lol well shit why didnt you tell me you actually were able to run a prewritten program and follow its instructions correctly cuz damn that just totally overwhelms any experience i have, i mean the fact i can actually write fucking programs and build goddamn computers is piss all in comparison ... (granted i havent written any in years and i have to play catch up on the new crap but thats totally besides the point) any way apparently her work use these computers and so of course she knows what shes talking about ... ooookkkk but unless you happen to be working in an animation studio whatever you use at work is totally bloody irrelevant ... because STILL the point remains IT DEPENDS ON THE WHAT THAT COMPUTERS BEING USED FOR ... computers are tools like any other frigging tool you need the right one for a specific job.. you also need one that isnt going to have a melt down when you install blender, daz, paintshop pro, and so forth into it and can run them simultaneously .... with out having time to grab a coffee between each clicked edit .

i mean seriously .... i dont know much about computers (and iv forgotten a lot of what i did know) im no expert and compared to all the computer geeks out there im a bloody retard but for christ sake dont try and bully me into buying what you want.... when you can barely figure out emailing and when your sole bloody qualification is you can run a fucking program and do what it tells you to do geeeeeze... especially if you dont even know enough about computer to realise that what computer you need depends on what you are going to be useing it for.

any way to cut long story short (what do you mean to late) my fella went and got the kind they recommended lol

mz cotton bud candy (yes my putes get name's) had decided to go into a temporary conflict coma

and my fella decided to dash out for a new one

(i think the fact i was going insane with boredom, climbing the walls, frothing at the mouth and yelling at mz cotton bud candy might of hastened his decision)

although he says he didnt allow Mr A to bully him it to his choice... it was just a case that it happened to be the cheapest there .. now hes stuck with a computer that hes already outgrown (hes getting into gaming now and the computers already developing a nervous tic)

(on a side note you will be happy to know mz cotton bud candy came out of her coma the next day)

moral of the story DO YOUR RESEARCH DONT LISTEN TO IDIOTS AND ALLOW FOR THE POSSIBILITIES OF NEEDING MORE preferably before you actually need to run out and buy one fast because your old one died in a puff of neurotic smoke

next savings go to my computer ... im thinking custom, but ....  if you do actually know something about high graphics capability in computers and have a suggestion for a particular make/model im open to ideas. something easily accessible with easily obtained parts for preference

5 years clear

as some reading this will know several years back i got diagnosed with cervical cancer (well ok it was yes you do, no you dont, yes you do, no you dont, depending on what current mood they were in, who's charts they were looking at, or how they threw the dart at the diagnosis board)

any way two years, one inept surgeon, bugger knows how many procedures (culminating in a hysterectomy) and one exploding ovary later, we finally chased it all down. during times like that you develop a rather sick sense of humor

now... i know iv been saying its officially 5 years that im cancer free ... 

(yes at some point they did make up their minds, the uterus screaming yes i am at them assisted their decision)

... but that was more along the lines of its been officially 5 years... on Tuesday its officially official.. that is dr approved, lab tested and sanctioned, totally free of cancer whoo hoo go home and party official... (dr peeked at slide and assured me its a sure bet)

now .. my idea to celebrate was a cake in the shape of a womb, possibly with a fire cracker placed in the ovary like a candle (figured it would b both symbolic and get the celebrations off with a bang)... i thought it was a cute idea...(and i figured we could cut into it with more precision and skill than the surgeon had)... my boys however think this might be a rather gross, sick "mum are you insane!!!" kind of idea, siiigh no sense of fun huh,  

now given that 5 years ago i threatened them that i was going to bring the womb back in a pickle jar as a visual aid for a sex education talk with them, you'd of thought that they would be used to my sense of humor by now huh

yes, yes i know that would of been a rather traumatic sex ed talk .. but i figured if i scared them fer life i might not have to worry about unplanned grandchildren cuz it might possibly put them off of sex fer life ...

just imagine.










"so sons .. this is where your sperm enters the womb past this rather nibbled at cervix.. (yes that thing that looks like mice have been nibbling at the edges of ).. into this area .. the womb.. (yes sorry its partially decomposing and kinda necrotic but imagine it fresh)...any way, from here it starts its magical journey to find an egg.. which is released from here this ovary ..(well ok this bloody pulp that used to be an ovary) the egg travels down this fallopian tube (just kinda ignore the missing section, fer some reason she left part of the tube in me, were not sure why) any way.. around about here (in the missing part of the tube) the egg gets fertilized by your sperm then they travel down to this part of the womb .. see sons? look carefully.. do you see all that area there ??? boys come back im not finished the talk yet ... what are you doing with that bucket?... ohh do stop screaming"



needless to say i didnt follow through on the threat ... but i think it would of been really, really cool







their reaction to that idea was pretty much the same reaction as im getting to my cake idea ....

one even went so far as to suggest we have a nice cherry filled cake instead ... i didnt have heart to mention that a "cherry" cake was possibly even more wildly inappropriate than my idea was. (certainly not for a 5 year anniversary)

so what do you think best ? .. womb shaped cake with fire cracker ovary? .... or a plain cherry cake?

Q&A

1. If you could spend the rest of your life doing only one thing, what would that be? writing best seller novels perhaps ;-) ? nah seriously finding a cure for bipolar (not for me so much as for those that dont want it) oh you meant things im actually capable of ?sleeping count?

2. What is the best thing you can bake/cook: in my youth i used to cook rather interesting brownies

3. What household chore is your least favorite? ill go with the all of them answers... other than that washing down my dragon collection is a massive pain in the ass damn things are dust magnets

(and here's some i made earlier)

(actually seeing as they are a flour/plaster mix can i use it for the baking question too i wonder)

4. If you could bring three things to a deserted island, what would they be? can the things be people? stephen fry for company and conversation johnny depp for something else entirely and a life time supply of paper.
if people dont count.. life time supply of coffee.. life time supply of smokes.. and the life time supply of paper

5. What's the next big thing you are thinking about splurging on? trip to visit my boys who are scattered about ohio.


6. Post a current photo, if you wish to be elusive, and abstract of closeup will do just fine..... i hate my photo being taken i have very few snap shots my profile pic with the hat is about the most current..

(looking for a more recent one as we speak)

(dont suppose this is recent enough?)

8. If you could have ANY pet EVER, what/who would it be? Realistically? iv had so many odd pets its difficult to pick.. if the choice were to be one iv not yet owned .. a black panther



Unrealistically? a dragon



1. Who is your favorite musician/band and why? hmm my tastes are kinda varied and who i like pretty much depends on my mood... for overall versatility i guess id have to go with marillion... because no matter my mood they generally have something appropriate

(why cant i post a player here arrrgh ?????)

2. What celebrity annoys you the most and why? unless any of them decide to stalk me cant really say any of them annoy me per say

3. What has been your biggest letdown lately?

myself

4. Worse job you have ever had and why? sculpting "blanks" for a gardening company... hired me for creativity and imagination but kept wanting me to do bloody boring inane standard shit "ivy leaves? frigging ivy leaves and you kidding me???"

6. Guilty pleasures? Spill. buying art/craft supplies

7. The last argument you had with someone - what was it about? my fellas father... pretty much told him he was a pretentious, pompass over bearing bully, and a control freak who didnt scare me in the slightest
(i was nice enough to dedicated a poem to him though)

second pass over the horses ass

the bridge ruins lay bathed in darkness. dark shadows dance across the stagnant waters below.
crumbling stone fall into the shallows
splashing stank stains onto the horses ass carved into the stone

beyond the horizon the heather grows
awaiting the sunrise and all it bestows
free from refrain in the wind thats blown
and in the distance the sound of the solitary phone

(scratching your head?.. surname bridge)

8. What would be something you would NEVER do, even if someone paid you a shit ton of money? .... pretend to be some ones friend

SMILE

Don’t Worry, Be Happy – Bob Marley Music Code


reclusive reflections
If you can keep your head when all about you are losing theirs...

your probably adequately medicated

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what we have here is

a failure to
communicate





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bipolaroid moment
bipolar people are NOT paranoid... something is out to get us


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bit of a saucy comment really

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a joke that caught my eye


In the cemetery I saw 4 men carrying a coffin round and round. 3hrs later I saw the same men with the same coffin and thought to myself they've obviously lost the plot

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Neanderthal

Awoke on this fine morning to the clamor of the day

i stepped in side my living room and wished id run away
As I looked around the devastation, the chaos and debris
I heard five guilty voices… their pleas “it wasn’t me”


Well heck… I guess I slept so sound last night… I guess I didn’t know
A localized hurricane… was whipping up a blow
Sweet hubby with his blatant charm, offered to set it right
It doesn’t matter... I smiled sweetly, you still get non tonight


All day I had to listen, to the repetition of his woe
I murmured placating comments… as I thought where he could go
He actually tried conversing with all the elegance of an ape
He started sounding reasonable… guess its time to medicate

I got these pretty pink pills… to help me make it through
“But seeing as how you’re the biggest cause… should I be giving them to you”

Perhaps if he were sedated… I wouldn’t be at beck and call

Perhaps I was mistaken…

to marry a Neanderthal

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who says the church no longer cares?

it's true they do care how sweet

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another joke from the Julie Sneddon bumper book of fun

(i hope she doesnt demand royalties for me posting them here)

Daffy Duck on a dirty weekend calls reception & asks for condoms-receptionist asks "will i put them on your bill sir?" Daffy replies, dont be thuckin stupid il thuffocate!

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bipolaroid moment

every day is a new opportunity to fly to greater heights or alternatively crap yer self in fear depending on which phase your in

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hmmm where do i sign up ?

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Granny and Grandad sitting at the breakfast table. Granny says "oh my nipples are hot" Grandad says "course they are one's in your coffee others in your fucking porridge

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reclusive reflections

fear of people (social phobia) is not in actual fact a phobia nor a sign of insanity .. its proof of sanity after all have you ever read the news papers or a history book????????

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they serve tossed salad i hear

and to grey fred thanks so much for informing me what tossed salad was code for, i can no longer look at a bowl of the stuff in quite the same way again

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So I said to my Gym instructor "Can you teach me to do the splits?" she said, "How flexible are you?" I said, "I can't make Tuesdays"

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How many people with Bipolar Disorder does it take to change a light bulb?

By chatobstewart

One dammit and if you ask that stupid question again i’m stuff the dam thing down your…… Oh I’m sorry I did not mean that please I’m sorry…

(my own answer is usually None cuz who gives a fuck)

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is there a reward????

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went to the doctors with hearing problems,the doctor asked me to describe my symptoms,so i said "homers a fat yellow git and marge has got blue hair"

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and just to add a little cuteness to the whole thing we have the following photo for all you pet lovers out there

and i thought i suffered from anxiety disorder

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reclusive reflections

i don't have social phobia, i don't fear going out there amongst "them" in the slightest, until some evil sod makes me leave the house

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yep we don't take it lightly, were even going to help you get there

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The Top Ten Reasons that you might have Bi-polar disorder

10. You think Robin Williams should Perk Up.

9. You think of death as an interesting alternative

8. You think going to bed on Monday and getting up on Friday is a good rest.

7. What do you mean you're tired—I had only 3 orgasms!

6. You can not remember the number 7.

5 You know the names of at least three antidepressants and fifteen

mood stabilizers.

4 You need to employ some one to hold a gun to your head just to get some shit done

3 You bring your own research to the doctor's.

2 You think a drive from Vancouver, BC to Miami is something to do

in four days.

And the Number One reason you may be Bipolar is:

1 Last night you understood the secrets to the universe and this

morning you are contemplating whether the jam goes on top of the

peanut butter or under it.

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Heterojunction Bipolar Transistors Rapidshare Free Full Downloads ... http://bit.ly/b3cuYA

A transistors with mood disorders?

guessing it tells you to piss off if the down load fails

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